Flickr photos by Richard Fosh

A polar bear walks into

A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a "Bacardi and................................................ coke" Bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause???" Polar Bear says "Born with'em...."

A crab walks into a bar

A crab walks into a bar. He sits down and says "Bartender, give me a beer; however, if I do not find this beer satisfactory or if you do not bring it to me in an acceptable amount of time, I demand the beer be returned and you provide me a bottle of wine, free of charge." The bartender says "OK, but what's with the big clause?"

A man walks into a pub

A man walks into a pub and orders "Five double scotches!" The landlord pours them, and the man drinks all five down, one after the other.
The landlord says "Wow - you should slow down. Why did you drink those so fast?"
The man says, "You would drink like that too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?"
"50 pence."

The chief executive

The chief executive of Vodafone just got married. The service was okay but the reception was terrible.

What time does

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish

What's the difference

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef...

If someone is a vegan

If someone is a vegan iPhone owner who ran a marathon and rescued their pet from a shelter, how do they decide which one to casually bring up in conversation first?

Why are pirates?

Why are pirates?
They just AAAARRRRRRRR !!!

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been broken for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now they get hundreds of HD channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks.
He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

This man sticks his head

This man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours". The man leaves.
A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says "About two hours". The man leaves.
A week later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half". The man leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in his shop and says "Hey Fred, follow that man and see where he goes". In a little while Fred comes back into the shop smiling to himself. The barber asks "Fred, where did he go when he left here?". Fred looks up and says "To your house".

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