At a recent job interview:

At a recent job interview:
"What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?"
"Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not."
"And your strengths?"
"I'm Batman."

My son took his first steps

My son took his first steps this morning.
The window cleaner is furious.

My daughter thought she was

My daughter thought she was very funny by spelling out expletives in her alphabetti spaghetti.
She soon ate her words.

A family are driving behind

A family are driving behind the dustmen when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which her son replies: "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c**k like that."

A woman brings eight year old

A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

Just passed a garage that said

Just passed a garage that said "Brake and Clutch Parts". So I did.
Best five minutes I've had for ages.

Has anyone thought of burning

Has anyone thought of burning the damned haysack to find the needle?

I tried to get my local chippie

I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter.
But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

If I had a pound for every

If I had a pound for every time someone called me a pessimist, I probably still couldn't afford anything worthwhile.

A friend of mine has been

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath.

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