I am enclosing two tickets

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

He has never been known

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

I didn't attend the funeral

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

A member of Parliament

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

I'm not posh - I'm just

I'm not posh - I'm just jolly good at polo.

It's that age old question:

It's that age old question:
How old are you?

After a row my

After a row my wife sent me a text to say I was very condescending.
To be honest I was surprised she could spell it.

The definition of irony:

The definition of irony:
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - fear of long words. jfgi.

I had to google

I had to google "jfgi" to see what it meant.
The irony is overwhelming.

My wife says that

My wife says that I never solve my own problems.
How do I prove her wrong?

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