A couple of days ago

A couple of days ago I ate three lipsticks and some mascara and haven't pooed since.
You really can't s**t this make up.

My new doctor is a

My new doctor is a very attractive blonde.
I have now given up eating apples.

My last slave died from

My last slave died from asking rhetorical questions.

Some say that footballers

Some say that footballers deserve their ludicrous wages, others say that soldiers deserve the money instead.
It really makes you think, isn't there some way people who pass their GCSEs could have it?

Is it just me, or

Is it just me, or do far too many asinine observations start off with the same four words?

George Bush : "Suicide

George Bush : "Suicide bombers: we are gonna find you - and we're gonna make sure you don't do it again..."

My friends say I'm too

My friends say I'm too easy to please.
I was delighted when they told me.

I've had a perfectly

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


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