I got chased by a mugger

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money."

I was tripping on some

I was tripping on some mushrooms today when I thought, "Don't they have cleaners in ASDA?"

I saw a sign in a car

I saw a sign in a car park saying "thieves want your sat nav!"
I thought, "well they can get lost..."

I'm very familiar

I'm very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.

I saw a slide with an

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for £1000.
I thought "That's a bit steep."

Me and my mate have

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

A new nightclub has just

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering unlimited drinks all night for just under 20 quid...
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...

I'm planning on

I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

Someone keeps adding soil

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...

It’s really difficult to find

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

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